"Am I going to die?"

For anyone who knows me, you know that this topic happens to be my most feared/avoided...and, i'm just talking about in my own mind. I hadn't even started to wonder when the children would develop this type of curiosity, and start to put it all together. For goodness sakes, they are only 4/3/1. I guess if I had been asked when they would start to 'get it', I would have said 8-10 years old. Nope, I am not that lucky AND unfortunately neither are they.

When Dylan was 2 1/2 Cheyenne died. This was tough on him, and I made a cursory attempt to explain this 'disappearance' by saying that she was in the stars and was happy and playing with other friends. He really clung to that theory for 2+ years, through the loss of 2 more pets. From time to time at night, he would (and still will) look up and mention that Cheyenne and Kobe are always in the stars, watching us. I was GREAT with this. He comprehended it just enough not to scare him, and accepted it!

Then, the question of 'Mommy, where is your daddy?' came up a few months back. Nana explained the whole thing, with the same level of sugar coating as I did with the stars theory. Dylan left that conversation knowing that my daddy, Gary, was a funny man who had a weak heart and died very young. Creepily enough, he occasionally tells me that Gary told him a secret or a joke. Or, that Gary taught him to tie his shoes, but I think he is just trying to put the pieces together in his 4-year old mind. Trying to grasp this world vs. the next world, etc....This is the part that terrifies me as a parent. That thinking can really push a kid to crack up, I should know. Been there, got about 20 t-shirts.

The other night at dinner I was out of the room with Olivia and Gray. John and Dylan were still at the table, and Dylan looked at John and said "Daddy, am I going to die?". Thank GOD that this was John and not me. He is much better at this topic than I am. He told Dylan, "Yes, you will someday. But, it will be in such a long time and when it happens he will go to the best place ever imagined." Then, Dylan asked, "Daddy, are you going to die." SERIOUSLY?!?! There is no way I could have handled this conversation...John is my hero. He explained that, "Yes, everyone dies. But, we all go together to a happy place." I walk back into the room at this point, and am in shock that my little, innocent baby has already started to 'get it'. That is more traumatizing to me than realizing that Santa isn't real. I was so sad for about 30 seconds, until Dylan brought me back to his 4 year old reality with the best question ever: "Mommy, is there a potty there? Cuz, I am not going to go there if they don't have a potty."

LOVE KIDS, maybe he doesn't totally 'get it' yet, and that is 100% fine by me.